Bay Area Sports Blog

While flipping through the 14th edition of Roger Treat’s Encyclopedia of Football, which was published in 1976, withdrawn from the Mitchell Park branch of the Palo Alto City Library sometime later, and recently passed on to me by my grandfather, I came across a fascinating chapter toward the back of the book titled “Football for Females: How to Marry or Keep the Male Football Maniac.” Written by Elinor Graham Kaine, who sued Yale in 1969 for the right to cover a preseason football game between the Giants and Jets in the press box at the Yale Bowl and won, the essay presents football in a way that, presumably, is easy for females to understand.

For instance, Kaine explains football’s scoring system as follows:

Scoring in football is done in the air (by passing), on the ground (by running) or by kicking. A point-after-touchdown counts one point and a Field Goal counts 3. A TD by running or passing counts six points. You can think of a touchdown as a pie; In the same way that a pie is made up of pieces, a touchdown is made up of downs…actually FIRST DOWNS.

We had never thought of a touchdown as a pie before, but we certainly will from now on. Or maybe pizza. Kaine also provides four football-watching commandments, which we’ve reprinted below for your enjoyment – if not education – along with our own tongue-firmly-in-cheek tips for female fans of the Raiders and Niners. Seriously, if you’re likely to get your panties in a bunch, stop reading now.

FIRST COMMANDMENT: PAY ATTENTION
Don’t talk to a female friend about children, clothes and/or food during the game;
Don’t sit down during a kick-off, whispering to your pal behind HIS back.
If your mind must wander, remember to keep staring intently at the field.
ALWAYS stare intently at the field.

Female Raiders Fans:
Don’t talk to a female friend about children, clothes and/or how cute you thought visor-donning Lane Kiffin got when he was befuddled, which was often. Do try to look a little more like Lane Kiffin’s wife. When the Raiders have the ball, be ready to fetch HIM a beer after JaMarcus Russell attempts a pass. There’s a 50-50 chance it’ll be intercepted, which means – oh, forget it. The cursing will be your sign that it’s time to hit the fridge.

Female 49ers Fans:
Don’t sit down during a kick-off, lest you ruin HIS view of a potential miracle – a Joe Nedney touchback. If your mind must wander, and it must when Alex Smith is the starting quarterback, always stare intently at the field or the ticker at the bottom of the screen. When you see one of HIS fantasy team’s players appear on the ticker with “TD” next to his name, praise him for being such a fantasy genius.

SECOND COMMANDMENT: SOUND INTERESTED
Looking interested is not enough. You must plan some game talk. But you must plan carefully; don’t just talk about what’s obvious. Don’t just talk about the super stars. Don’t just talk about the home team, or the local heroes. Instead talk about rookies, or newcomers, or linemen. Or talk about the visitors.

Female Raiders Fans:
Don’t just talk about the super stars. Nobody wants to hear you ramble on and on about what a stud Johnnie Lee Higgins is, or how Darren McFadden will be better than Marcus Allen ever was. Instead talk about Darrius Heyward-Bey, Ricky Jean-Francois, or Stryker Sulak. Especially Stryker Sulak. Do not try to pronounce Nnamdi Asomugha’s name before practicing it in private, unless you want to sound like a complete ass.

Female 49ers Fans:
Take bets on when Nate Davis will start his first game at QB. Talk about how awesome Eric Heitmann was at Stanford, unless HE went to Cal, in which case you’re encouraged to criticize Heitmann after every play and question the lack of local heroes from Berkeley on the team. Talk a lot about Michael Crabtree and his stunning resemblance to a Cyborg.

THIRD COMMANDMENT: BE WITTY
Don’t talk like a hard-nosed fan. Use a soft-nosed approach. Smile a lot. After all, football is a game. It’s supposed to be fun.

Female Raiders Fans:
F that. HIS football-watching quarters are like a mini Black Hole. You mustn’t smile, only scowl. Football isn’t a game, it’s life, and it’s only fun when the Raiders win. Cursing at the refs and the opposing team is mandatory. If one of your female friends shows up and breaks any of the aforementioned commandments, it’s your job to take her out. If this happens to be during a Jell-o wrestling match at halftime, even better.

Female 49ers Fans:
Here’s a soft-nosed, witty approach to watching football that will never get old: After a particularly uninspiring first-half effort by the 49ers, drop your pants at halftime to motivate HIM. Smile a lot.

LAST COMMANDMENT: DON’T FORGET WHAT YOU LEARN
Remember what happens from game to game. Remember, football is an investment. Pro football teams don’t have a high turnover rate like high schools and colleges (where three years on the varsity is two years longer than usual). What you learn today can prove useful for years and years and years.

Female Raiders Fans:
You can ignore that part about the high turnover rate. That doesn’t apply here.

Female 49ers Fans:
You may be a female, but even you know enough about football to wonder why Alex Smith still has a job. Remember, the 49ers invested $49.5 million in him. That’s why.

  or     or  

By Scott on Sunday, May 17th, 2009 at 5:25 pm.
Tags: Oakland Raiders, San Francisco 49ers