The roundup, from “least believable” to “most believable.” (But despite that, a round of applause to everybody for their efforts, really. Let’s get these people freelancing for the Onion soon.)

The joke: Warriors unveil “Golden State D-League” alternate jerseys.
The source: Golden State of Mind.
We cry because: We wanted to see Brandan Wright and Anthony Randolph play this season because they might actually represent some sort of future for the Warriors. Instead we saw Coby Karl and Cartier Martin. Sure, Reggie Williams worked out and will be a nice contributor in the future. But for every Reggie Williams there are five others who won’t work out and we still get all depressed about the elite-level talent sitting out injured.

The joke: Pac-1o expands to Pac-16.
The source: The Bootleg.
We cry because: Expansion is probably coming soon, and who likes change? We’re quite happy with the Big Game being the final game of the season unless Stanford plays Notre Dame or Cal plays Washington five weeks after. But we do like The Bootleg’s fantastical Pac-16 with St. Mary’s, Santa Clara, SJSU and Pacific joining Cal and Stanford in the “Bay Division.” Hey, the NCAA is trying to cut down on travel expenses right? Make it happen.

The joke: Matt Millen to be the new GM of the 49ers.
The source: A ridiculously meticulous fake site called Detonline.com.
We cry because: The 49ers say they don’t want a GM, but we wouldn’t put it past the Yorks. One thing’s for sure: You could scrap all the mock drafts. The 49ers would be taking Dez Bryant. And Golden Tate. And Jordan Shipley. And every other player on this list.

The joke: Sharks sign TV announcer Bret Hedican to shore up defense.
The source: Fear The Fin.
We cry because: After watching the Sharks’ defense fall all over itself, quite literally, in a 5-1 loss to Dallas last night, we’re starting to blame the defense for all the team’s late-season problems. They’re just straight dumb sometimes. And then Nabby and the forwards get pissed, and the sloppiness builds on itself. So why not sign a 39-year-old vet with a Stanley Cup ring who played as recently as last season? Besides, he always seems to have good insight into the Sharks’ problems when he’s on Postgame Live, and he’s married to Kristi Yamaguchi, so that has to be worth something. Sign him up!

Stanford offensive coordinator David Shaw was a finalist for the position, but was probably eliminated from consideration when the search committee realized that Toby Gerhart would not be coming with him. The Spartans’ running game was one of the most inept in the nation last season.

ESPN’s Bruce Feldman, for one, is a big fan of the hire. He says MacIntyre was responsible for finding some guy named Patrick Willis while at Ole Miss.

With Johnny Dawkins taking over for Trent Johnson at Stanford and MacIntyre heading to San Jose, Cal should be holding a press conference to announce that a Blue Devils assistant is replacing Neil McGuire as the Bears’ new women’s soccer coach any day now.

The Bay Area has three Division I football schools whose nicknames happen to form an apt acronym. Here’s how they did in Week 14.

BEARS: Washington 42, Cal 10

If for any reason you want to relive the Bears’ beatdown in Seattle, do it here. California Golden Blogs put it best: The Bears hibernated a week early, elevating Jake Locker’s draft prospects in the process. Cal is most likely headed to the Poinsettia Bowl, which is certainly a more desirable destination than El Paso, but also a less prestigious game. Then again, for a team that had Rose Bowl aspirations at the beginning of the season, they might as well be heading to the PapaJohns.com Bowl. Fresh ingredients, fresh pizza.

CARDINAL: Idle

In Undecided Media Members v. Heisman Trophy Winner, Toby Gerhart’s closing argument was a 200-yard, four-touchdown performance in a win over Notre Dame. Mark Ingram’s rebuttal was just as impressive. The Alabama running back rushed for 113 yards and three touchdowns in a 32-13 thumping of Florida in the SEC Championship Game, a performance that will no doubt resonate in the minds of Heisman voters. The case for Gerhart remains solid, but Ingram at least vaulted himself back into the discussion. Jim Harbaugh continues to be linked to the head coaching vacancies at Notre Dame and Kansas — and homophobic slurs. Meanwhile, the Cardinal awaits its postseason fate, with Stanford’s most likely destination the Sun Bowl.

SPARTANS: Louisiana Tech 55, San Jose State 20

Green Bay Packers wide receiver and San Jose State alum James Jones said head coach Dick Tomey “could care less about what you do on the football field.” Does that make Tomey the ultimate player’s coach? San Jose State failed to deliver a win in Tomey’s final game, but the truly ol’ ball coach didn’t seem to mind. “It’s not about the scoreboard today, it’s not about the scoreboard this year,” Tomey said after the loss, which dropped the Spartans to 2-10. “It’s about the past five years and how these guys have helped put this program back on its feet.” Tomey, who never had back-to-back losing seasons, will ride off into the sunset (peep the video below) with a 183-145 record. As for the game, the Bulldogs returned two interceptions for touchdowns and rushed for 240 yards. Daniel Porter rushed for 199 of those yards and set the school’s all-time career rushing record on his final carry.

BCS FILM ROOM

We hope you enjoy having your life back, Dick. Best of luck in the future.

BCS PLAYER OF THE WEEK

The Bay Area has three Division I football schools whose nicknames happen to form an apt acronym. Here’s how they did in Week 13.

BEARS: Idle

With a bye week before their regular season finale at Washington, the Bears let their dramatic Big Game victory soak in and waited for their muddy bowl picture to clear up.

Up Next: at Washington

CARDINAL: Stanford 45, Notre Dame 38

If you still doubt Toby Gerhart’s legitimacy as a Heisman trophy candidate, you should have heard what Brent Musburger had to say to Kirk Herbstreit about the exclamation point that the senior running back put on his season at the end of the Cardinal’s comeback win over Notre Dame. “Herbie, you know, I’ve seen a lot of great performances, as you have, through the years, but I don’t think I’ve seen one better than this.” Wow. Brent Musburger is, like, old. He’s broadcast hundreds of games, many of them by Heisman trophy winners. Herbstreit responded, “If that doesn’t get the voters attention, I don’ t know what will.”

Gerhart finished with 205 yards on the ground and three rushing touchdowns. He also had his first career passing touchdown to Ryan Whalen on 4th and 4 with the Cardinal trailing 38-30, after which Peter perfectly explained Jim Harbaugh’s bold playcall in a text: “Harbaugh: Balls of steel-lined titanium.” Lisa Salters’ postgame interview with Gerhart was practically drowned out by chants of Heis-man! Heis-man! from the sea of Stanford students who had rushed the field to celebrate the Cardinal’s first win over the Fighting Irish since 2001. Gerhart’s big night was the main story of a thrilling game that featured offensive fireworks from both teams and may force us to amend this list, with Jimmy Clausen showing no ill effects of a black eye in throwing five touchdowns and acting like his cocky self in defeat.

Up Next: Bowl Game (TBD)

SPARTANS: San Jose State 13, New Mexico State 10

Tyler Cope’s 19-yard field goal with 34 seconds remaining made 26 Spartan seniors and outgoing head coach Dick Tomey winners in their final game at Spartan Stadium. Preseason Panda Kevin Jurovich caught his first touchdown of the season and 11th of his career. The win put an end to SJSU’s six-game losing streak and was the Spartans’ first in conference play. The Aggies dropped their sixth straight.

Up Next: New Mexico State

BCS FILM ROOM

ESPN’s Todd McShay gives Gerhart a slight edge in the two-horse race for the Heisman trophy over Texas quarterback Colt McCoy, who will lead undefeated Texas against Nebraska in the Big 12 Championship next week. Fellow analyst Robert Smith makes a joke about horses. Cardinal fans should be rooting for a Cornhuskers upset and a two — no, better make it three — interception game from McCoy.

BCS PLAYER OF THE WEEK

Tomey’s postgame comment Saturday that “my status is 1-8, and that’s not a good status to be in as a head coach,” could end up being a prelude to a retirement. The 71-year-old coach took the Spartans to the New Mexico Bowl in 2006 but fell off after that high, going 12-21 since.

The only ranking the Spartans have entered this season is the Bottom 10, but up the Peninsula the Stanford Cardinal are all over the real, actual rankings. After smothering USC, the Cardinal moved up to 14th in the AP poll and 17th in the USA Today poll. The voters were probably impressed when Stanford tried to run up the score.

The Bay Area has three Division I football schools whose nicknames happen to form an apt acronym. Here’s how they did in Week 10.

BEARS: Oregon State 31, Cal 14

The Prophecy is dead, as are Cal’s hopes of earning a trip to big-time bowl, but the more important news following the Bears’ deflating loss to the Beavers is that running back Jahvid Best is alive and well, with movement in all extremities. The terrifying scene of Best frozen on the turf at Memorial Stadium after his defender-clearing hurdle into the end zone was one of the more sobering moments of the college football season. Best was diagnosed with a concussion, his second of the season, and will miss at least one game. That seems like a wise decision.

Up Next: Arizona

CARDINAL: Stanford 51, Oregon 42

Saturday’s undressing of the Ducks’ defense was  by led by Toby Gerhart, who carried 38 times and finished with a Stanford single-game record 223 yards rushing and three touchdowns. If he hits triple digits in the Cardinal’s last three games, he should be expecting some mail from the Downtown Athletic Club. Gerhart’s numbers were only overshadowed by the number of Jeremiah Masoli supporters on hand at Stanford Stadium, many of whom sported yellow t-shirts with the Daly City native’s No. 8 on the back. The Cardinal is bowl eligible for the first time since 2001, but as Jon Wilner explains, they’re not guaranteed a postseason game just yet. Speaking of Wilner, he can hold his head high in the office this week after 8 of his 10 reasons Stanford would upset Oregon came true.

Up Next: at USC

SPARTANS: Nevada 62, San Jose State 7

Yuck. San Jose State tried to lure suckers to Spartan Stadium for a rare Sunday night game with a series of ads like the one above that preyed on every fan’s innate desire to appear, however briefly, on national TV. Next week, Dick Tomey might place an ad for players. Tackle a blow-up doll and get on the field! A sign we wish we’d seen: Every Spartan Pwned by Nevada.

Up Next: Utah State

BCS FILM SESSION

Stanford students hold an impromptu dance party on the field after the game. If you look carefully, you can spot Toby Gerhart.

BCS PLAYER OF THE WEEK

• In what has become the norm around Raiders camp, Darrius Heyward-Bey insists “I’ve been very solid.” Really, DHB? Five catches for 74 yards? Solid? Really? We need to get Seth and Amy out here for a whole Raiders segment.
• Thomas Howard gets into a Twitter fight with the Twitverse about In-N-Out, and calls Whataburger better. Whatapieceofcrap.
• The Snake is on Facebook! Maybe. Which prompts this line from the guy writing this column: “If the page is the real deal, and I believe it is, Snake’s got 25 friends including me, Brian, and my cousin Paul Hebert who lives in Cleveland.” Right. The Snake only has 25 friends including your cousin. And who would ever fake anything on the Internet?
• Tom Cable says he talked to Al Davis and doesn’t necessarily fear for his job. Good thing USA Today’s Christine Brennan isn’t pulling the strings, she’d have Cable out of there so fast…
• The Cable incident has Al Davis looking like John McCain, and not just because they’re both older than salt. Both needed to hire better people to vet their candidates in 2008.

…Other linkage, not including former USC basketball coaches going Trojan horse on some hoes…

The Warriors win, look good, and still manage to create controversy. Where was Anthony Randolph? The “backup center” played only seven minutes despite Andris Biedrins being in foul trouble. Mikki Moore appears to be the actual backup center, despite being 40 years older and 800 percent less exciting. CCT

We love it when criminals try to sell their booty on Craigslist. The president of an Antioch youth sports complex allegedly stole equipment and other items from sheds at the complex and sold it on the classifieds site. One new batting helmet! Only used by six Antioch suckers kids! CCT

The Sharks beat the Columbus Blue Jackets in a historic matchup of UNoriginal Nine teams. The hilariously inept weather forecast calls for rough patches ahead with a game in Detroit tonight. Sharks.com

The UCs are suffering financially and several Cal professors will ask the Academic Senate to have the athletics department pare down its bloated budget. Ray Ratto says “Good luck with that” in a very facetious manner. ATHYRIO

The computers who will take over the world also predict the 49ers will win the division, so maybe they’re not all bad. Can the computers predict the new name for Candlestick now that the team can once again sell the naming rights? Fingers crossed for The Law Offices of Steve Moskowitz Park.

You know you’ve made it when you’ve made it to the Bottom 10. Welcome, SJSU. ESPN

The World Series is in the bag and it was Vallejo winning over Alameda. Giants fans will tell you one more hitter would’ve gotten them into the World Series. Maybe they need to take a cue from America’s #1 Academic Success Coach Kantis Simmons and start doing crazy things to get to the Fall Classic. Crazy things like signing one more hitter.

Even though the nickname is missing two “m”s, it does come from Flintstone land. Apparently Bam Bam, the baseball player, was playing softball in his homeland of Curacao, and bombing the ball so much that other players compared him to the youngest Rubble. That’s a story we can support. He also has the nickname written on the back of his shoes and can say it in five languages, including Papiamente/u/o, which is itself a mix of a few different languages.

But does that make him a good hitting coach? He certainly wasn’t a good major league hitter, and that worries some. Whatever. Who needs good natural hitting skills when you can teach them instead, and have a cool nickname while doing it? Just ask Thaddeus “Beer Barrel Arms” Smith, who was the Detroit Tigers’ hitting coach in 1925. Actually that’s made up.

Bam Bam’s first project could be Buster “Bus Bus” Posey, who’s struggling down in Arizona Fall League. Buster, just hit it hard. It’ll work out.

…Other linkage, not including Bill Walton — the ultimate hippie athlete — quitting sportscasting…

Lane Kiffin gives his thumbs-up to Tom Cable from afar, saying “Tom has not had enough time.” Yes, there’s never enough time. CCT

Former Stanford 3-point master Ryan Mendez wants you to vote for him as one of the best Texas high school stars ever. But Michael Crabtree, yes, the 49ers wide receiver, is one of the other options. How to choose??!!??? Streetball

The Sharks, who are succeeding at not sucking, played some of their young stars like yo-yos as injuries continue to plague the team. Or not. Working the Corners

At midseason the California Redwoods get a C, although “Dennis Green has done a formidable job coaching the least experienced team in the United Football League.” He’s formidable alright. UFL Access

That didn’t take long. Warriors fans are already dishing out blame for this season. Fast Break

San Jose State is sticking with Jordan LaSecla at quarterback. Maybe they’re taking their cues from the Raiders. Merc

The Bay Area has three Division I football schools whose nicknames happen to form an apt acronym. Here’s how they did in Week 9.

BEARS: Cal 23, Arizona State 21

The Bears survived Halloween in Tempe with a come-from-behind win to continue their climb back from the dead and keep The Prophecy alive. Giorgio Tavecchio’s 24-yard field goal with 21 seconds remaining was the difference in a sloppy game that featured 238 yards of penalties and five turnovers. “It wasn’t pretty by any means,” Cal head coach Jeff Tedford said. The winning kick was a dream come true for Tavecchio, who nailed a 51-yarder, missed two other kicks, and was in danger of losing his job to freshman Vince D’Amato. The win left Cal fans with a “pleasing” feeling on Halloween night.

Up Next: Oregon State

CARDINAL: Idle

While you were trick-or-treating, Jim Harbaugh was working. Be afraid, Oregon, be very afraid.

Up Next: Oregon

SPARTANS: Boise State 45, San Jose State 7

“We didn’t come here to look good,” SJSU head coach Dick Tomey said afterward. “We came here to get a win. It was within reason for a long time, then we just didn’t get it done.” No, no they didn’t. It’s hard to get it done when you commit 10 penalties and two turnovers on the road. The good news is that things get easier for the Spartans from here. The bad news is that that might not matter. Having created a device that makes ice cubes out of solar power, perhaps the students at San Jose State’s school of engineering could tackle creating a competitive football team for their next project.

Up Next: Nevada

BCS FILM SESSION

Boise State wide receiver Austin Pettis, who had five catches and a TD against the Spartans, went as a member of the Blue Man Group for Halloween. We like.

BCS PLAYER OF THE WEEK

The Bay Area has three Division I football schools whose nicknames happen to form an apt acronym. Here’s how they did in Week 8.

BEARS: Cal 49, Washington State 17

You want to piss off the normally mellow Jeff Tedford? Allow Washington State to rack up 300 yards of offense on your home turf in the first half. Tedford lit into his defense at halftime Saturday after the Bears did just that and the coach’s harsh words were followed by a stern talking to from freshman Scott Fanua. These Cal cubs have some balls, huh? First, sophomore Mychal Kendricks offers a pseudo-guarantee that the Bears will win out (The Prophecy lives) and now Fanua goes fire and brimstone on his elders. “He has fire in his veins,” defensive end Cameron Jordan said. “He gave us a nice little talk.” Kevin Riley and Jahvid Best were on point against the Cougars, but the defense needs to be fixed, and soon. There’s still a realistic chance that Cal could finish 9-3, and despite a pillowy soft strength of schedule, the computers show some bleep-bop-boop-love for the Bears.

Up Next: at Arizona State

CARDINAL: Stanford 33, Arizona State 14

Stanford passed and ran all over the nation’s seventh-ranked defense, leaving no doubt in a convincing Homecoming victory. Unheralded fullback Owen Marecic, who deserves a lot of the credit for crooner Toby Gerhart’s big season, scored his first career touchdown on only his second carry of the season and lost his lid after getting the best of a helmet-to-helmet collision with an Arizona State defender on a 27-yard catch. We think it’s fair to say that Marecic has a little Owen Schmitt in him. We’re still awaiting the video of Gerhart and the rest of the Cardinal singing “Hail Stanford Hail” after the game. Arizona State head coach Dennis Erickson had nothing but praise for Stanford QB Andrew Luck, who had another solid game. After its most complete game of the season, Jim Harbaugh gave the team three days off. The Cardinal have a brutal slate to close the season (Oregon, at USC, Cal, at Notre Dame), but Wilner likes their chances to win at least one and get bowl eligible.

Up Next: Oregon (Nov. 7)

SPARTANS: Idle

The most exciting news during the bye week, as SJSU prepared for a potentially nightmarish trip on Halloween to Boise State, was the announcement that Spartan Stadium will host the California Redwoods’ game against the Las Vegas Locos on Nov. 14.

Up Next: at Boise State

BCS FILM SESSION

What the first commenter said.

BCS PLAYER OF THE WEEK